I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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