After last night, I could never be a politician.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Are we still banned from the library?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
