cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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