New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
