so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Randomize
