She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
