My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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