Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
