i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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