just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
