if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
