After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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