One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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