Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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