Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
