you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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