how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Randomize
