Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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