like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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