btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
