He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
