apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
