grandma shit on top of the toilet
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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