I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
