Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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