The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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