If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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