I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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