weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
