On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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