If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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