My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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