My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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