Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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