dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
