the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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