Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
