I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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