1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
