would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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