if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He better not be in your backpack
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
