life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
