My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
