I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
