Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
