I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
