Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
