When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
