I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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