This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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